


when you leave me (where do you go?)

by Pariscores



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Catatonia, F/M, Healing, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Potential Triggers, References to Depression, References to anxiety, no beta we die like men, psychiatric facility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pariscores/pseuds/Pariscores
Summary: Rey couldn’t tell exactly what caused it, but she knew it when the first signs showed. Ben was getting bad again.She knew better than to ask or investigate. Rey had never seen Ben like this before, but it was obvious that her prodding wouldn’t make anything better. Each time she saw him, he looked even worse than before, and she hated it.When was the last time she had seen him?Rey blinked at the sudden realization that it had been days—or was it longer?—since she had last seen Ben, or even heard from him. Had she really been trying so hard to avoid him, to avoid whatever slow self-destruction Ben was going through, that she wasn’t sure she remembered the last time she saw him?





	when you leave me (where do you go?)

**Author's Note:**

> Angst is a good thing, isn’t it? I enjoy making characters suffer. In all seriousness though, this story does deal with some pretty heavy stuff. It’s not super in detail, but there are still some tones of bad things happening.

Rey couldn’t tell exactly what caused it, but she knew it when the first signs showed. Ben was getting bad again. It started with him not eating. Every day he would refuse her offer to go out for lunch, coming up with excuse after excuse, until she finally went over to his apartment while he was still at work only to find his kitchen completely bare. Then Rey started to notice that Ben was wearing the same clothes for days at a time; his dark gray shirt was getting wrinkled, and started to hang off his figure as he lost weight. Dark circles appeared under Ben’s eyes, and his face began to become even paler and sickly, as if he weren’t sleeping at all.

She knew better than to ask or investigate. Rey had never seen Ben like _this_ before, but it was obvious that her prodding wouldn’t make anything better. Each time she saw him, he looked even worse than before, and she hated it.

_When was the last time she had seen him?_

Rey blinked at the sudden realization that it had been days— _or was it longer?_ —since she had last seen Ben, or even heard from him. Had she really been trying so hard to avoid him, to avoid whatever slow self-destruction Ben was going through, that she wasn’t sure she remembered the last time she saw him?

Rey slumped into the couch and grabbed her phone from the coffee table, quickly typing in Ben’s number. She stared at the number, a sudden rush of fear coursing through her. Her heart was beating so hard and everything felt cold—

_Ring…_

_...Ring…_

She jumped as her phone started ringing, and she was soon staring at a picture of Ben’s mother. Fumbling to answer, Rey accepted the call and raised the phone to her ear with a shaking hand.

“H-hello?”

She heard Leia sigh. “Rey! I was hoping you’d answer. Is everything alright?”

A sick sense of dread filled her. “Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?”

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of Ben for the past four days. Nobody’s been able to reach him, and Phasma said that he’s been gone from work for almost two weeks! I thought you guys might have gone on vacation without telling us!”

Rey’s breath quickened and she felt her stomach drop. The air around her was almost suffocating, and it felt as if it had grown several degrees colder. Terrified, she hung up the phone without saying goodbye. 

* * *

Rey steadied her breathing as she knocked on Ben’s door, a loud echo breaking the silence in the hallway. The longer she stood waiting, the worse she felt. She tried to reason with herself that everything was fine, that Ben would answer the door and tell her that he just got caught up in some special assignment from work, and he would be back to being, well, _Ben._ Yet he didn’t answer the door. Something was _wrong._

Her hands shook as she quickly rummaged through her purse for the spare key Ben had given her months ago until she finally found it. Grasping it tightly, Rey jammed it into the doorknob and unlocked the door, opening it as soon as she heard the click. Cautiously, she stepped inside, setting her bag onto the table beside the entrance. Light streamed in from the open windows, creating a cheerful glow in an otherwise dull room.

“Ben?” Rey called out, slowly making her way to his bedroom. There was still no answer, and she sped up. “Ben, are you home?” She was practically running, and once she came face to face with the wood of his bedroom door, she yanked it open.

The room was dark with the curtains drawn shut, and it took a couple of seconds for her eyes to adjust to the sudden shift in lighting. The room was cold and immaculate, nothing out of place with only a thin layer of dust covering everything. Then Rey’s eyes drifted to the bed.

The blood red fitted sheet was crumpled at the foot of the bed, and the black and gray blankets were piled at the center. Rey slowly crept closer to the bed, her heart pounding. She wasn’t sure what she expected to find—her mind was clouded with fear, and she couldn’t even begin to imagine the worst.

Ben Solo lay in a fetal position on his bed, hands tightly clutching the heap of blankets close to his chest. He seemed to be completely unaware that Rey was even there, and his usually warm amber eyes were wide open, glassy and staring at nothing.

Rey felt sick as she reached out and laid her hand on Ben’s arm. She was relieved when she felt the warmth that radiated off of him and that his shoulder twitched in response, but otherwise, Ben gave no indication that he knew Rey was there. In desperation, Rey shook his arm with more force.

Ben let out a quiet, high-pitched whimper before falling silent once again. Rey ripped her hand away from him and ran out of Ben’s room and into the kitchen. She gripped the countertop so hard that her knuckles turned white, and she breathed harshly.

Choking back a sob, Rey reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone, hands fumbling slightly to unlock it.

“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” the voice answered.

Rey’s throat tightened as she started to shake.

“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” the operator prompted gently.

“My... My boyfriend…” Rey choked out, her vision beginning to blur. She felt like she was going to vomit.

“Ma’am? Please, I need to know what’s wrong. Your boyfriend?”

“I-I can’t… he won’t get out of bed.”

“Can you tell me anything more? Do you believe he is experiencing a medical emergency?”

“I-I don’t know. I think he’s okay. I just-he…”

“Do you think he is a danger to himself or others?” the voice said softly.

Rey lurched forward, using the hand not holding her phone to keep herself upright. The words hit her like a train, everything that had just transpired suddenly becoming real. Too real.

“Yes,” she uttered before she could stop herself or even process what she was saying.

“We will send an ambulance to bring your boyfriend in for evaluation. Can you give me the address?”

“1001 East Starkiller Avenue. Apartment 314”

“Someone will be with you as soon as possible. Have a good day ma’am, and stay safe. Your boyfriend is going to get the help that he needs.”

Rey felt numb as she watched the emergency responders arrive before directing them to Ben’s room. Having to witness them lift Ben onto a stretcher like a limp ragdoll made it worse, and she had to keep herself from crying right then. The EMTs wheeled Ben out of the room, his body strapped down and eyes still lost and vacant.

One of the men crossed over to her and said softly, “we’re taking him to the Coruscant Behavioral Health Inpatient Facility.”

Rey nodded slightly, gaze trapped on the floor, unable to say anything. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a small notepad and pen and scribbled something onto it. He ripped the piece of paper out and held it out for her to take. “They have visiting hours from eight in the morning to seven in the evening. Mr. Solo is going to be safe there, okay? Please take care.” With that, the EMTs rolled the stretcher carrying Ben out of the apartment.

It was only after the door clicked shut and she heard the familiar sound of a siren fade away in the distance did Rey let herself cry. 

* * *

The Coruscant Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit visiting room was a little too crowded for Rey to be comfortable.

Then again, even if she was alone she would most likely still be uncomfortable sitting on the old vinyl couches that were probably once a nice shade of turquoise, but had faded to a pale blue. Rey watched families hug, friends talk in quiet tones, and partners hold hands while giving teary kisses. Her chest tightened and she looked away, choosing to focus on a loose thread in her jeans rather than the happy couples surrounding her. She almost wished she had asked Finn to come with her, just to make her feel like she wasn’t alone. 

Rey lifted her legs up onto the couch, knees touching her chest, and wrapped her arms around them. It had been six hours since Ben had been admitted, four since she had called Leia to let her know what was happening with her son, and Rey had been waiting in this room, in the same spot on the old couch, for nearly two hours while a worker checked on Ben. Almost all of the other patients had been waiting in the visiting room for their loved ones to arrive, and Rey felt her heart drop.

So it was either Ben must not have wanted to see her, or hadn’t believed that she would bother to visit. The thought made her tighten her grip and pull her legs closer to her.

“Ms. Niima?” a soft female voice called. Rey watched with wide eyes as a young woman pushed Ben in a wheelchair. Ben still looked distant and unresponsive, as if he didn’t know where he was. His clothes had been changed, the familiar tones of black and gray now gone and replaced with white and blue scrubs, and it felt so unnatural to Rey. His long dark hair was still unwashed and greasy, hanging limp around his face.

The woman wheeled Ben into a corner and pulled a chair for Rey to sit on. Rey scrambled off the couch, staring into his pale face.

_The last time she had seen Ben anything like this was when they were teenagers. After_ … A painful flood of memories came over her, ones she had tried so hard to forget, and Rey screwed her eyes shut for a moment… _after Snoke had…_ She cut it off there, not wanting to remember.

Dazedly, Rey reached over and grabbed Ben’s limp hand in her own, intertwining their fingers, and was vaguely aware of the onslaught of words tumbling out of her mouth. “Ben? I-I’m not sure if you know that I’m here, or even where you are, but that’s okay. I don’t know what’s happening to you, but I know that bad things have happened to you before. _I know that_ . I know you’re not doing great right now… But… I-I’m scared Ben. I really am, so just, _please,_ ” Rey sniffed and brought up their joined hands to her lips, placing a soft kiss on his knuckles and over the thin, pale scars on his wrist before resting her head on his shoulder. “ _Please_ try to get better, alright? I know you can do it. Your parents are flying out to see you. They should be here tonight, okay? Your mom’s really worried about you.” She let out a shaky sigh. “I love you Ben. Just remember that. I love you.” 

* * *

Days had passed without any real progress. Rey visited Ben every evening, and each time he was rolled out in a wheelchair. Ben had yet to acknowledge that he knew Rey was even there, much less speak to her. The hours between Coruscant visiting hours dragged on for Rey, and she felt uncomfortable leaving her apartment or talking to anyone. Occasionally, Finn would call or drop in to check in on her and ask about Ben, or Leia would come over and just be contempt with spending time with her, but other than that Rey spent most of the time alone.

Two weeks after Ben was admitted, Rey had received a call from the facility, and the person speaking to her had such a calm and gentle voice that Rey almost started crying.

“Ms. Niima, my name is Dr. Pava, and I’d like to talk to you about Ben Solo’s progress here at Coruscant. He signed a waiver to let me talk to you about his treatment.”

“He-he did?” Rey asked, voice cracking slightly. The idea of Ben doing _anything,_ let alone give permission for a doctor to talk to Rey about his treatment, sounded slightly absurd, but Rey wasn’t one to complain.

“Yes, ma’am. Is now a good time to talk about Ben’s progress?”

Rey couldn’t help the slight giddy feeling. “Yes, of course. Is Ben okay?”

“Well, as I’m sure you were aware, Ben was catatonic when he was first admitted. He refused to take food or medication for the first four days of his stay; we’ve been giving him quetiapine and bupropion injections, and giving him fluids and nutrients through an IV.”

Rey swallowed thickly. “O-okay.”

“It can take up to a few weeks for medications to reach a therapeutic dose, so we weren’t discouraged when Ben didn’t start showing any immediate improvement. But he seems to have turned a corner today.”

“A-a good way?”

She could practically hear Dr. Pava’s smile over the phone. “Absolutely. He had breakfast with the other inpatients, and took a shower.”

Rey felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “Really? Can… Can I talk to him?”

“Unfortunately, Ben is in a group session right now, but I can give him a message.”

Although Dr. Pava wouldn’t be able to see, Rey nodded vigorously. “Yes, please. Will you tell him to call me as soon as he is able? Please?”

“Will do, Ms. Niima. Have a good morning.”

“Wait, can you tell me when he’s going to be out of his group?”

“Of course. His group ends at eleven-fifteen.”

“Thank you so much!” Rey exclaimed.

“It was my pleasure, Ms. Niima. Take care.” 

* * *

Rey spent the remainder of her time checking the clock every few seconds. She shifted slightly on the couch, phone clutched in her hands. Ben’s group should have been over already, if everything was on schedule. She chanced a look back to the clock and sighed. Eleven-eighteen. She was sure everything was fine, and told herself that Ben wouldn’t call _immediately,_ and she shouldn’t expect him to, really. Just because he signed a paper that allowed her to know his progress didn’t exactly mean that he was ready to speak to her. But that didn’t stop her from worrying. 

At eleven-thirty, the phone in Rey’s hand began to buzz, and snapped her out of her thoughts. She hastily scrambled to answer it.

“Hello?” she breathed out, hardly believing that the call could actually be from him.

“Rey?” The voice on the other side was shaky, but other than that there was no denying that it was Ben.

“B-Ben,” Rey stuttered. “I-Dr. Pava called me earlier today. She said you were… doing better.”

There was a pause on his end. “Yeah. Little steps, but I’m… feeling better,” Ben said finally.

Rey let a small smile pull at her lips. “That’s good. Really good.” She felt tears begin to pool in her eyes, and she quickly rubbed them away. “I miss you.”

“I,” his voice wavered slightly. “I miss you too.”

She was shaking, at a loss for words. “Can I visit you today?”

“I-I’d like that.”

Rey didn’t bother brushing away the few tears that escaped. “Okay. I’ll see you tonight,” she said. “I love you.”

She heard a sniff on the other side before Ben whispered, “I love you too.” 

* * *

When Rey entered the visiting room, Ben was already waiting for her. She could immediately see a difference in him. His hair was clean and combed back, and the scrubs she had grown accustomed to seeing him wear were replaced by a dark gray long sleeved shirt and black sweatpants. He was huddled on one of the couches, legs crossed as he picked at some invisible thread on his pants when he looked up at her. Instantly, a smile was plastered on his face, and Rey was struck with the sudden realization that she had not seen Ben smile like that in ages. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. 

“Ben!” Rey stumbled towards him and jumped into his lap, pulling him into a hug. She felt his arms settle around her, tugging her closer, and her heart nearly burst. She rested her cheek against Ben’s chest, trying to get as close to him as possible. Rey listened to the sound of his breathing and the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

“Thank you for coming to see me,” he mumbled, and Rey pulled back slightly to look at him. His dark eyes were damp and pink around the edges. 

“Of course I would, Ben,” she said as she slowly climbed off of him to settle on the space next to him. Rey reached down and clasped his hand in hers. “I’d always come back for you.”

Ben let out a shaky sigh and gently squeezed her hand. “I know you were here every day.” A tear rolled down his cheek, which Ben wiped away with his shirt sleeve. Rey felt her own eyes well up with tears. “I-I knew you were always here with me, Rey.”

“Are you doing better?” she whispered.

Ben nodded and Rey met his eyes, holding his gaze before breaking away. “You really did scare me, Ben.”

“I’m sorry.”

The two were silent for a moment, and Rey took the time to take in everything that was happening around her. From the moment she walked in here, she had expected the intensive care unit of a psychiatric hospital to be bleak and terrifying, but instead there was an aura of warmth, and love, and she felt at peace.

“How are you doing?” Ben’s voice brought Rey back to reality.

Rey smiled. “I’m okay. Finn and…” she hesitated slightly. “Finn and your parents have been keeping me company.”

If Ben was uncomfortable with her talking about his parents, he gave no indication. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Han and Leia came with me here a few times, actually.”

She felt him tense. “They─They did?”

“Ben, you know that they care about you, right?” He didn’t answer, and Rey chose to drop the subject. Another lapse of silence washed over them, and Rey couldn’t stop her thoughts from wandering once again.

She knew Ben had spent most of his life dealing with bouts of depression and anxiety, and had periods of remission that had seemed to look like recovery. But hospitals were for exactly that: recovery, and for learning strategies that would help Ben if anything like this were to happen again.

“Are you going to go back home anytime soon?” Rey asked quietly, heart pounding. She knew that Coruscant wasn’t meant for long-term patients, but there was still a part of her afraid that Ben would never come back.

To her relief, Ben nodded. “I’ll go back once I’m better, Rey,” he said softly.

“And… and you’ll promise me to really try?”

“I promise.”

The PA system crackled, announcing that visiting hours have ended. Rey stood up, and Ben followed before pulling her against him into a long hug.

“I love you, Rey,” Ben whispered, pressing his lips against her forehead. Rey felt tears gather in her eyes, and she buried her face into Ben’s chest.

“I love you too, Ben.”

**Author's Note:**

> I want to just say that I am not a doctor, but I did some research to try and make things as accurate as I could. Bonus points to anyone who knows what song the title is from. I might continue this but I don't know I'm lazy. Follow me on Tumbr @deep-in-reylo.


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